Apology words, like forgive, pardon, sorry, and excuse can be a little confusing to use correctly in English. Let’s sort out how we use these in common expressions, so you can feel confident that you are expressing yourself in the ways that you mean to.
How to apologize in English
The words you choose to apologize with will depend on the nature of the relationship, how serious you feel your error was, and how much you hurt you caused. On top of all of this, there are different cultural expectations and assumptions around admissions of guilt and facing face.
This is a lot to consider, but understanding how to apologize correctly is an essential social skill that can make or break your relationships and reputation.
In Business
In formal, business relationships, it is often best to keep it brief, avoid offering excuses or laying blame on others, and to move the conversation towards solutions. Imagine, as an example, that your team has decided not to accept a new client:
We have reviewed your application, and we regret to inform you that we are unable to accept you as a client at this time. May I offer you a referral to another excellent service that may be able to need your needs?
Notice that in this case, it isn’t appropriate to apologize. You are within your rights to refuse service, and there is no wrong doing.
However, ‘owning’, or acknowledging it when we have make a mistake is a standard and respected practice in most English speaking cultures. It helps build one’s reputation as a trustworthy, forthright person, and as a proactive, solution-focused professional.
Let’s look at how you might inform your manager that your team didn’t reach your monthly sales goals.
I wanted to let you know that we didn’t manage to meet our target this month. I apologize. I have reviewed our strategy, and have two ideas that I think will improve our numbers substantially. Do you have a moment to hear my proposal?
In Personal Relationships
In personal relationships, apologies are usually less about problem solving, and more about subjective experiences, feelings, and repairing trust. Here are some steps that mature people in North American culture often take when apologizing for a serious breach of trust:
1.) Acknowledge wrongdoing and apologize.
It was wrong of me to share your secret with someone else. You trusted me to keep it between us, and I realize that I not only let you down, I damaged your reputation and put you in an awkward situation. I’m so sorry.
2.) Listen without interrupting or justifying.
3.) Validate the other’s experience by rephrasing and clarifying.
Rephrasing what you have heard in your own words is a great English skill to have. Feel free to ask your teacher to practice with role plays!
Apologizing for a Faux Pas
We all stray from social etiquette from time to time. Maybe we interrupt, or check our phone when someone is speaking to us, or fail to introduce people because we thought they were already acquainted. This type of faux pas can cause a little embarrassment, but embarrassment isn’t the same as shame. There is no real harm done. Therefore, these types of situations don’t call for expressions of deep remorse.
Here are some examples of words you might choose in cases like this:
Oh! Forgive the interruption. Please continue.
Excuse me. I thought it was a message from my boss. You were saying?
You two haven’t met before? My apologies. Janet, this is my friend Martha. Martha, this is my neighbour, Janet.
In informal situations, and for slight errors, you can use the expression ‘my bad’.
Oh! I thought you said that you wanted milk in your coffee. My bad! I’ll pour you a fresh cup.
Words that sound like apology words, but usually aren’t
You could be forgiven for assuming that ‘pardon me’ and ‘excuse me’ are good expressions to use in apologizes. But in modern English, they aren’t used this way at all.
Pardon
‘Pardon’ is most commonly used to express that you have not hear or have not understood what someone said.
I beg your pardon. – This can be used as a very formal, old-fashioned apology.
I beg your pardon? – This can be a formal way of asking someone to repeat or clarity. Or, if expressed in an annoyed tone, it indicates that someone if offended by what they heard.
When is your baby due?
I beg your pardon? I am not pregnant!
Note: Excuse me? can be used in the same way.
Pardon me? I couldn’t quite hear you.
Pardon? I didn’t catch that. What did you say?
Avoid using what? or hun? except in very informal settings, as it can come across as rude.
Excuse
Note that the word ‘excuse’ has two different pronunciations. As a noun, the final ‘se’ sounds like ‘s’, and as a verb, it is pronounced ‘z’.
Excuse me.
1.) We say this as apology for faux pas, as you saw above.
2.) We use it to get someone’s attention.
3.) We use it to indicate that we need room, usually to pass by someone. But you’ll also see people using it in an annoyed tone to indicate that someone is encroaching on their personal space.
4.) We also use it as a polite and unobtrusive way of saying that you will leave.
Sorry
Sorry is indeed an apology word. If fact, it is the go-to word for a mea culpa in English. However, it may not be as strong, or have exactly the same meaning in all cultures.
I’m sorry to hear that... – This expression is not an admission of guilt. It means ‘my condolences’, or ‘I am saddened by the news’. The word sorry was used to convey sorrow for hundreds of years before it was associated with culpability and remorse. Yet pretending to misunderstand this expression is something of a social cliché. It usually goes something like this:
A. I’m so sad. My dog died yesterday.
B. Oh my God! How awful. I’m so sorry to hear it!
A. It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.
B. I know, but…
As a Canadian, I find this feigning of ignorance disingenuous and annoying. But then again, Canadians are world famous for our lackadaisical and frequent use of the word ‘sorry’. So, if you share some bad news, and people respond with ‘I’m sorry’, or ‘I’m sorry to heat it’, know that they are not apologizing, especially if they are Canadian!
To sum up
Apologizing effectively isn’t as simple as using the correct words and gestures. It’s nuanced and complex, but it’s an important skill to master, in order to thrive socially and professionally. Think about your own cultural assumptions about remorse, guilt, and blame. And take every opportunity you can to learn about how the English community you want to visit in or live it interprets and expresses these ideas.
