Let’s talk about how to fight fair.
1.) Are your arguments usually respectful and fair?
2.) Do you shy away from conflict or thrive on it?
3.) What strategies do you use, to avoid, provoke, or win fights?
Vocabulary
get along – to have a good relationship (llevarse bien)
see eye to eye – to agree
ground rules – basic norms that everyone agrees to follow
get out of hand – become chaotic and out of control
Read the introduction.
Ideally, we’d all get along all the time, right? But despite our best efforts to see eye to eye, people’s ideas, values, and opinions are going to conflict from time to time. Disagreements are inevitable. The good news is that, according to experts, it is not that we argue, but how we argue that makes all the difference.
By establishing ground rules with each other, we can ensure that our arguments don’t get out of hand. Rather than scary, unpredictable fights that threaten to damage us and our relationships, arguments can be simply the work we have to put in together, from time to time, to keep our bonds flexible, healthy, and strong.
What do you think?
1.) Do you think arguing occasionally can actually be a good thing?
2.) What behaviours do to you consider fair and helpful in an argument?
3.) What behaviours do you consider unfair and harmful in an argument?
4.) What rules do you consider important for fighting fair?
Idioms related to arguments
Do you know some common idioms related to arguing? Learn and practice them, then notice how they are used in the context of the reading.
Let’s continue!
The first thing to know about any fight is that the conflict may not be about its stated purpose, and that the other person may not care about fighting fair.
Ideally, we are all honest, we are all consider one another to be equals, and everyone gets to share their point of view and negotiate on an equal playing field, right? Well, as we all know, that’s just not the way the world works.
People sometimes argue just to establish that they have a right to. They bait you force any conflict, to gain power in the relationship. We’ve all been through it. Part of growing up is establishing with our parents and other adults that we aren’t children anymore. Asserting ourselves by being disagreeable and argumentative is humanities version of fighting our way out of the cocoon.
Fair fights are about deepening understanding and agreement between people who both want to clear the air and re-establish mutual good will. Ascertain the real reason for the argument as soon as you can.
The second rule is to be upfront and clear about power dynamics.
If there are power dynamics at play, then whatever follows isn’t an argument. It’s a negotiation.
Arguments are only for those who respect each other as equals, and are committed to a resolution where both parties are content. Negotiations may involve caring and respect, but not necessarily. Fighting fair means leveling the playing field, and taking the arguments on their merit.
Know the difference between having a useful argument and being cheeky and disobedient. If it the former then treat your opponent as a friend. If it is the latter put a stop to it.
Rule number 3 is to pick your battles carefully.
Be brutally honest with yourself about your motivations. Do you want to come to an agreement and resolve the dispute? Are you really hoping to get on the same page, or do you want to hurt them back, so they know how it feels? Do you want to show dominance? Maybe you want to bring someone down a peg, or to save face? What are you really trying to achieve?
Think through your conflicts carefully, before you have them. Ask yourself what you want the outcome to be. Make that outcome your goal. Navigating conflict is challenging enough. Don’t go in without a clear purpose.
You only have so much energy and time. Dedicate it wisely, by clarifying what a win looks like for you and don’t get off track.
The fourth rule is to pick your moment.
Asking if it’s a good time gently notifies the other that there is problem, and allows them to prepare. Also, it really may not be the right moment.
At best, being open and curious about the best time to talk helps establish a collaborative, respectful tone. At worst, you learned what you are up against. The art of timing is catch it before anger grows and festers. The problem with giving someone rope is that they tend to take it.
Loa Tzu would add that you should strike when you are strong, and your opponent is weak. This is great advice for battle, but not for engaging in fair fight.
The fifth rule should be obvious, but it’s worth establishing. Fair arguments require that both opponents feel safe.
No threats, insults, yelling, or biting each other’s heads off. No punching walls or throwing things. No bringing up something to shame, destabilise, or hurt the other.
Don’t assume that the other person can read your mind, or that the other person should know better. What’s obvious to you may not be to them. If something they do isn’t fighting fair, then say so.
Know the difference between an opponent in an argument and an enemy, and keep it above the belt.
Rule 6 is to be straightforward and trustworthy.
Again, rule 6 should be obvious. Be a good friend who is committed to resolving the conflict, or don’t. If it’s a fair fight be honest about your intentions.
Fight fair and with respect. No punishing or hurting each other on the sly and on purpose.
Gaslighting, back stabbing, and blackmailing are subpar negotiation moves. If you’re having an honest argument then don’t do it and don’t put up with it.
Rule 7 is to listen and be curious.
We’ve established that the point of having an argument is to understand each other better, right? You both want to get back to a place where you trust each other and get along. Let go of your point of view for a minute. Give the other person space to express themselves. Listen, without interrupting the flow of information.
Repeat back what you have understood of the other person’s words. Give them space to clarify. If they bring up a minor point that isn’t important to you, let them have it. It costs you nothing to let them save face.
Rule 8 is to use ‘I statements’.
This one is more of a tip than a rule. The idea is that most things are debatable, but ‘I statements’ are irrefutable. People can disgree about what happened. Your opponent has little choice but to accept as your feelings as facts.
But if you say “I felt sad”, or “I thought we had agreed on our terms”, then there is no valid counter-argument. You are talking about your experience, and what could refute it?
The use of ‘I statements’ is powerful, and should be used sparingly and authentically. In the end, our emotional reactions are our own responsibility. Sharing our feelings is information, not an argument.
Conclusion
In a fair fight, fair play and collaboration are key. Your goal is to resolve a conflict within a friendship, in a way that the work is mutual and aimed to get everyone to a place where they feel comfortable.
Determine if you are engaging in an argument or a negotiation. Clarify your goal. Speak plainly and listen carefully. If it’s a fair fight with a loved one, aim squarely at win-win.
Conversation Questions
1.) Do you agree or disagree with the author?
2.) Which one of the rules is most relevant for you?
3.) Which one of the rules is least relevant or important for you?
4.) What are you good at, in terms of conflict resolution?
5.) How could you improve, in terms of your conflict resolution skills?
6.) Talk about a time that you established or enforced a personal boundary.
7.) Talk about a time when someone crossed your boundaries.
8.) Talk about a time you successfully resolved a conflict with someone.
9.) Have you even giving someone rope, just to see how far they would go?
Further Reading
WikiHow To Do Anything